Marriage is work, a lot of work. Anyone who is happy in marriage had to work hard to get it there. It is about forgiving when you have really being hurt, caring when the other person does not seem to care, seeking to understand not to be understood. Continuing to give when you have received nothing from the other person. The good thing is that you always reap (more than) what you sow.

Campaign for Marriage Role Models

In a time when marriage is under attack from all directions, we desperately need Marriage Role Models.

• Couples, who by God’s grace, can prove to the world that it is possible to live together happily in marriage in this age.
• And young man and young woman, who in spite of the challenges and temptations that they will face in marriage, are determine, by the mercies of God, that they will live out true Christianity in their marriages.

I would like to pray for such married people and young people today, if you want to be one of them just say “I”.

Only God can

Only God can understand my pain, suffering and disappointments

• Only God can understand my weakness, my failure and lack of faith

Only God can understand that sometimes I am up in the skies, and sometimes I am down to the gutter.

• Only God can understand that I am only human

Only God can see something good in me when everybody sees nothing

• Only God can believe in me when I can’t even believe in myself

Only God can lift me when I am down and out

• Only God can humble me when I’ve become too big even in my own eyes

Only God can keep me from falling

• Only God can keep me pressing on the upward way…

Only God can!  And there is no one like Him!

I love you and I will kill you.

Love is a dangerous business. In many cases the person you love is the one who will hurt you the most. And this is because you allow that person to the most sensitive part of your body, the heart.

Last week we received the news reports that a young woman was stabbed to death in Soshanguve allegedly by her boyfriend at a police station in full view of the police. We also heard that a woman was convicted (at the Cape Town High Court) of the murdering her own husband.

There is a need for young people to be very careful when they choose a person to have a relationship with, and even more careful of whom they decide to marry. Some love stories end up being the obituary stories.

However, there are many who are not killed in the same way as the two are above, but instead they are killed through repeated emotional stabbing or through abuse, ill-treatment and neglect, leading to distress, depression, diseases and eventually death.

Dare to be patient – part 1

• Proverbs 15:18 “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.” (NIV)

Introduction

The post-modern society seem to be driven by impatience, everything around us has to be fast. We live fast lives, drive fast cars, eat fast foods, and modern medicine and technology also promises fast solutions to life’s challenges. All of this can somehow give us an impression that all of life is fast.  In spite of the rapid development in technology there are some things that have remained at their own pace. Babies still take time to be able to eat solids, to learn to stand, to talk and to walk. It also takes time for seeds to germinate, plants to grow, and crops to be harvested. Even if you continue to water a plant day and night it will not change the pace at which the plant grows. Nature tells us that it takes time to do worthwhile things. The same applies to human relations, it still take time to build true friendship, to get close to each other, to grow in love and to develop true intimacy.

Understanding patience

Someone describes patience as the ability to wait for the fruition of our goals. The society that we live in preaches the gospel of instant gratification. They say “Don’t wait; act now! Get it now! Don’t wait until you can afford it; buy it now without money! Just use the plastic card!” Then they say “Tata ma-Chance, tata ma-Millions!” Meaning there is no need to  prepare for your future by working hard for many years you can strike it rich now by winning the lotto (lottery)!” Lack of patience is closely related to lack of discipline. Patience is something that our society desperately needs. Road accidents, road rage, high dropouts at schools, teenage pregnancies are just but a few examples of lack of patience. Patience is the armour that we need to fight the battle called life, without it we are weak and dangerously exposed. It is said that Og Mandino (1923 ~ 1996) once said “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. With patience you can bear up under any adversity and survive any defeat. With patience you can control your destiny and have what you will… Patience is power. Employ it to stiffen your spirit, sweeten your temper, stifle your anger, bury your envy, subdue your pride, bridle your tongue, restrain your hands, and deliver you whole, in due time, to the life you deserve.”

The challenge of impatience

As a people we have developed a vocabulary to support our lack of patience. People often talk about ‘losing patience’ or not being able to ‘find the patience’ to deal with a situation. But the fact of the matter is that patience cannot be lost or found. As someone puts it patience is not a commodity. It is a decision. It is a decision to wait. It is a decision to hold on in spite of the challenges and obstacles that might on the way. Lack of patience is not an excuse. Yet, some people will say, “I can’t help it. I’m just impatient. That’s just the way I am!” However, when someone says “That’s just the way I am!” he/she really means that “That’s the way I choose to be.” Someone once said impatience is a sign of immaturity, and to overcome it we need to start thinking of others and accept responsibility for our personal actions.

It is not easy to be patient

It is not easy to be patient because in many cases you might not be sure of how long you have to wait for change. And sometimes you might not even know if there will ever be a change at all. But patience is not only about enduring a long wait; in some cases it has to do enduring abuses, incitement, and exploitation without resentment or bitterness. Patience is an act of faith. It is a belief that whilst we wait there is a God who is working and doing something about the challenge. Patience is also an expression of compassion. When we are compassionate we tolerate the faults of others. The Bible teaches us that those that are strong are able to bear the burdens of the weak (Rom 15:1). The strong should not act like those who are weak, but instead they must be patient and have sympathy for those who are weak.

To be continued… Next time we’ll explore the role of patience in marriage.

Stop crying for chaff

Marriage is meant to be permanent (until death do us part), but relationships before should not be viewed in the same way. In fact, it is better to break a relationship before marriage (even an engagement) than to divorce in marriage. If someone dumps you they might just be doing you a favour, he/she is just proving that he/she was not suitable for you.  If someone takes your boyfriend/girlfriend then you must thank him/her for taken the problem away from you. Sometimes God has to remove chaff from our hands so that He can give us real wheat.

Break ups only prove that you were going out with a wrong person, which means that sooner or later they were going to break your heart, the sooner is better than later.

I think you need to celebrate (not cry for him) because this means that the wrong guy has gone and now God will be able to bring the right person. Your heart is broken because you thought he was the right guy. God might have used whatever disagreement that you had in order to save you from him. If you could know that God might have allowed it so that he can give you someone better, then your heart will be filled with joy.

Obviously I am not familiar with the circumstances that led to your divorce, but one of the highlights of my ministry has being to see people who have being divorced (and separated) reconciling and getting back together.

Having said that, I suppose your experience has taught you that getting married is much easier than staying married. In order to make the second marriage to work it requires at least double the effort of making the first marriage work. Kids, step parenting, and past experiences makes the second marriage a bit more challenging. It can be done and there are many happy blended families.

I am not sure if I have answered the question.

Warning: A wedding day can hurt your marriage.

I am even tempted to say that many marriages have been killed by wedding days.  It is amazing how people would spend so much money, energy and time to prepare for one day and yet very little effort is taken to prepare for the life thereafter. Wedding days are suffering from the societal disease called materialism. Many plan weddings that they can’t afford just to keep up with the Mudau’s. And as soon as they are married the first thing they have to deal with is debts and the payment of credit cards, overdrafts and personal loans.  And all this quickly destroys the joy and happiness in the family. It is better to have a lousy (cheap) wedding day and have a powerful (and happy) marriage life.

@ Living Power Pre-marital Counselling services we encourage our couples to invest more in marriage than on a day.

Pride is the poison that kills relationships

According to the dictionary pride is a “high inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.” People can be proud of their looks, their family background, their academic achievements, their careers, their material possessions, etc. However, pride is not limited to those who have the things listed above; there are people without anything special who are still very proud. Whist the opposite of pride is humbleness, somehow it is even possible to be proud of being humble.

The Word of God says that “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” – Proverbs 16:18. When it comes to relationships it can be said that “pride goes before the destruction of a relationship, and haughty spirit before a fall of marriage.” When we look at the origin of sin we realise that pride was at the centre of it all. The same can be said about the origin of many marital conflicts. The Bible tells us that the marriage institution is where two people become one. This suggests that instead of focusing on personal selfish interests married people are to prioritise their marriage and focus on furthering the interest of their union. It is therefore obvious that the greatest threat to this unity will be pride, self-confidence, self-exalting, self-protecting pride. Pride is the source or the poison that is responsible for the death of many marriages.

The impact of pride on people and relationships

• Pride makes people to feel more important than others. Pride has a way of inflating people’s egos. In marriage this attitude results in a one sided relationship. The proud person often feels that he/she deserved much more in life and somehow he/she has done the other a favour by marrying her/him. Therefore, the other person must be the one who must submit, plead and beg for the relationship to continue.
• Pride makes people to feel independent and self-sufficient. In marriage the attitude can be describe by this statement: “I don’t need you, I was fine before I met you and I will be fine even when you are gone”. This attitude has a major impact on marital commitment. The reason why people get marriage in the first place is that they feel that need each other and their lives will be incomplete without each other.
• Pride makes people to be self-righteous and critical of others. This is when one person has become the standard for all that is good and all that is acceptable. The life and conduct of the spouse is measured against this ‘perfect’ standard of behaviour. This often results in the person being overly critical of his/her spouse. The spouse can never do anything right, and therefore nothing that they do will ever be appreciated.
• Pride makes people feel the need to be right all the time. I once heard someone say: “When I got marriage I was looking for ‘Mr Right’, but what I didn’t know was that his first name was ‘Always’”. The problem with being always right in marital conflicts is that the other person must always be “wrong”. The obsession with being right at all times makes it very difficult to resolve even the smallest of conflicts. The fact is that as human beings we are infallible and therefore we can’t be right at all times. As people we make mistakes and even with our best intentions we still do something that we didn’t intend to do.
• Pride makes people defensive when criticized. It does not matter what position we might occupy in society we all need people who can give us an honest assessment of our conduct. Criticism, whether positive or negative, has a way of making us better people. Criticism works like sandpaper; it removes rough edges and leaves us smooth and polished. Criticism particularly from one’s spouse need to be taken more serious since it is often honest, unlike the flattery words that we might receive from others. It is unfortunate that often pride stands on the way of all of this. The person who has pride views criticism as personal attack and therefore decides to be defensive. This attitude not only creates conflicts in the family but the person who is proud end up not receiving the help that he/she need.
• Pride makes it hard to apologize when you are wrong. A word of apology in the family is like a fire extinguisher to many conflicts. It does not cost a person anything (except one’s pride) to say the six magical words: “I am sorry, please forgive me.” But to one who suffers from pride these words are very expensive. Some would rather die or lose the spouse / friend instead of offering an apology. Many marriages have being destroyed and brought to the end because one person is too proud to use the six magical words.

For those who have a challenge of pride there is a need for you to kill pride before it kills your relationships and alienate you from people who loves you. Here are some suggestions on how to do so:

• Ask the Lord to make you humble (as Christ was)
• Take your eyes off yourself and look at others, you’ll see value in others.
• Talk less about yourself and your accomplishments
• Go out of you way to appreciate and to say good things about others
• Respect other people’s views and opinions even if you disagree with them

Stand! Stand Still!

Stand where no man dare to take a stand

Stand where the mighty stagger and fall

Stand still, for you are in His presence

Stand when the standards fail

Stand when leaders falter and fall

Stand still, for He is still in control

Stand when the winds are bitter and frosty

Stand when friends desert you and forsake you

Stand still, for He sticketh closer than a brother

Stand when faced with the crimson red sea

Stand when surrounded by gigantic mountains

Stand still, and see the Lord’s deliverance

Stand on the rock when rockets attack

Stand on the promises of the great provider

Stand still, and know that He is God

Stand! Stand! Stand! Stay standing!

Until the mountains are moved!

Until clouds are rolled as a scroll!

Then, you shall see Him face to face!

By Mashudu JM Ravhengani

I can do it!

Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

When we look all around us we see many failed marriages, failed relationships and failed lives. Many have failed to realise their full potential. Prisons, grave sites, and high courts of the land, all testify of many failures in this life. It is no surprise that many have come to believe that they can’t be able to make success of life or anything that they touch.

There is nothing as debilitating as telling yourself that you can’t. Our background, our upbringing and our past experiences could have taught us that we can’t. Offcourse some of us have being told time and again that we can’t and then we ended up believing that indeed we can’t. In some cases we have seen many around us (including those that we hold in high regard) failing over and over again, and then we start believing that we also can’t. Sometimes it is the difficult circumstances that we find ourselves in that convinces us that we can’t.

The writer of the text above starts by using the personal pronoun “I”. It is easy to talk about what others should do, or what group of us should do, but it is much harder to commit one self. As much as Christ died for us all, when it comes to salvation we are saved as individuals. Jesus must not end up just as the saviour of the world; He must become my and your personal saviour. Therefore, we need to learn to stand, and where necessary, stand alone for Jesus. I need to learn to come to Jesus like someone many years ago, saying, “…Not my mother, not my father, But it’s me, oh Lord, Standing in the need of prayer.”

The apostle goes beyond the personal pronoun and says “I can”. Success begins when we start believing that we can; the idea that one can is a liberating one. In fact, the first audience of these words are our own brain cells. I can! The emancipation of our minds is the key that unlocks the future. It sets the mind on the path of success. I can! When I believe that I can then I will also believe in others and know that they too can. Numerous failures should not tempt us to believe that we can’t. After you have tried and failed and tried and failed, like Edison, just believe that you have just discovered a number of ways that does not work, but you must still believe that you can.

The apostle does not just say he can, but he says, “I can do”. There are many who can think, can talk, can criticise, but Paul says “I can do”. I can do things, I can perform some duties, I can achieve something of worth. I can do. I go beyond the theoretical and move into the practical. There are many who died with brilliant ideas that were never translated into action. We have many theoretical Christians, people who are Christians in their minds but fail to practice Christianity.  Someone once said that love is verb, it is not good enough to know that you love someone, love, to really be worth something must move into the gear of doing.

But not only does the apostle says “I can do”, He says “I can do all things”. Obviously “all” covers a lot of things, in fact it covers everything. I can do each and every thing that needs to be done.

• I can be caring, helpful and kind.
• I can be a good father, mother, son, mother-in-law, etc.
• I can love my wife, I can submit to my husband,

I can do it, yes, I can!

• I can be faithful to my marriage vows and trustworthy.
• I can break the chains of habits, weaknesses and the sin that so easily beset me.
• I can be a virgin until marriage.

I can do it, yes, I can!

• I can be a successful businessperson (through blessings not bribes).
• I can be a successful professional and reach to the top (and still remain humble and God fearing)
• I can overcome enemies within (flesh) and those without.

I can do it, yes, I can!

The question that we then ask Paul is what is the secret of your success? Why are you able to do that which many are failing to do?

The answer is: “through Christ who strengthens me”. The fact is that by myself I will not be able to make it, there is no way I can do it. By myself I will not only fail, but it is impossible for me to do it. However, it is good to know that, that which is impossible for man is possible with God. I can, through Christ who strengthens me. It is only through Christ who gives me (His) strength. When I look at myself I don’t know how I am going to make it, but when I look at the cross, I don’t know how I can’t make it.  Thank God for Calvary. I can, yes, I can! I can do it, Yes, through Him who strengthens me!

Therefore, the apostle starts by using this personal pronoun “I”, in times past Joshua spoke for himself and his family, but there are times when we need to stand individually for ourselves. I might not be very sure of what my family will do, but I know what “I” will do. As the song says “… though no one joins me still ‘I’ will follow”