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Is wives submission still relevant in today’s society?

Marriage is an institution that was initiated by God back in the Garden of Eden. God didn’t just create marriage but He also gave us the manual (the Bible) on how to operate marriage. Many of the problems that we have in marriages are as a result of not following the Biblical instructions. Last week we saw how the Bible instructs men (husbands) to love their wives unconditionally.  This week we look at Ephesians 5:22 where the Bible says “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

As much as we have said (last week) that all what a woman needs is love, we can safely say that all that a man needs is respect. Men are born with some little egos; they would like to be acknowledged as somebody, at least in their own homes. They might be nobody’s in the street, or at work, but when they get home they would like to be respected.

Submission is defined as is yielding to another’s desires without resistance. Those of us who have driving licences would be familiar with the concept of yielding, for the rules of the road says that when you approach the traffic cycle you must yield to cars that are already in the cycle. In the same way the Bible is saying to wives that when you get to the traffic cycle of life (situations that requires leadership direction/decision), yield to your husband.  Now, this makes sense in view of the fact that the Bible says in verse 23 that the husband is the head of the wife. You can’t imagine the body that is not in submission of the head.

Submission is not just an act but an attitude of the heart; it is a frame of mind. Submission does not mean the woman should never disagree with her husband, what it means is that even in her disagreement she must still be respectful. The wife should disagree with her husband in a way that does not reduce the husband from being the head to become a child or piece of furniture.

It is unfortunate that the post-modern society views submission as a form of abuse. The fact is submission, unlike surrender where you yield by force or because you don’t have a choice, submission is done willingly. It is also important to remember that this not an instruction from men, but it is an instruction from God, when women follow it they are obeying God, and when they disobey it they are also disobeying what God has said. Therefore if there are any consequences they have to be with regard to the disobedience of God. It is also important to remember that every instruction from God is never done so arbitrarily, whatever God instructs us to do it is always for our own good; there is a blessing in obeying the words of God.

Now the verse does not just say women must submit but it says they must do so as unto the Lord. This assumes that these women know the Lord and they know what it means to submit to the Lord. So, they must do the same to their husband. It also means that if the woman does not have a relationship with the Lord it will be very difficult for her to submit to her husband. Now this instruction must be read along with verse 25 that says husband must love their wives as Christ has loved the church. When a husband loves his wife he is creating a perfect environment for submission. It is easy to submit to the government of love. However, the lack of love should not be an excuse for not submitting, because the instruction to women is independent of the instruction to men. If men don’t love their wives they are breaking God’s instruction and they will be accountable to Him.

Many women have often said they don’t know what submission means in practical terms. The question is what is it that women can do differently to make their husband feel respected. It is important to note that women have the power to make or break their husbands. The wife is like the mirror to her own husband. How she relates to him, and how she treats him is reflected in his own self image. Many women have emasculated their husbands and thereafter they wonder why their husbands aren’t man enough. When a husband is respected by his own wife it boosts his self esteem. He feels confident of himself even among other men.

Here are some few points that wives should consider:

• Avoid competing or trying to control your husband.
• Avoid nagging your husband.
• Avoid criticising and comparing your husband with others.
• Ask his opinion.
• Speak kindly and lovingly of your husband in front of family, kids, and friends.
• Listen to him and don’t just dismiss him.
• Have high expectations of him.

Real men

The world is desperately looking for real men

• Real men don’t abuse or ill-treat women, but respects and honours women
• Real men don’t lust after every women, but loves and commits to one woman
• Real men are not selfish and self-centred, but they are a centre of caring and sharing
• Real men don’t just fall for anything, but stands for something.
• Real men are not just good leaders, but they are good followers.
• Real men are not just there in making babies, but they also there in raising children.
• Real men are trustworthy, dependable and reliable.
• Real men are not just born, they are born again!

Marriage and Happiness

There are many who are generally unhappy and somehow they think marriage will bring joy, peace and happiness to them. Marriage is a wonderful institution, a blessed institution, but it is not meant to produce joy, peace and happiness.

We must look at marriage like an empty house; it is what we bring into the house that matters. Each must find joy, peace and happiness from God. Marriage is place not to find joy (and happiness) but a place to share the happiness that we have.

Even if the marriage can come to an end, our joy (and happiness) should not end with marriage for it never depended on it.

“This joy I have, the world (the marriage) didn’t give it to me, the world (the marriage) didn’t give it, and the world (the marriage) can’t take it away.”

The In-laws love tug of war – part 1

It has been a very long time since our last communication, many have been wondering what happened to our weekly empowerment, we are glad to be back, and here is this week’s instalment.

The in-laws love tug of war part 1

The issues related to the in-laws relationships are broad and we are not going to be able to address all of them in this one instalment. So we’ll have part 2 or even part 3 under this theme.

Let’s commence by saying there is something amazing, something miraculous, and something marvellous about the relationship called marriage. It is different from any other relationship that we can ever have in this world. Marriage is the coming together of two people, often unrelated, coming  from different backgrounds, different upbringing,  sometimes different cultures,  coming together to become one flesh , resulting in a special relationship that is more important than any other relationship they might ever have, even with their blood relatives.

Let’s look at this typical example. Here is a young man who has being raised by a loving mother, she did her best to make him what his is today, and throughout the years she was the most important person in his life, and she knew that she was special to him. Then, one day this young man meets some “strange” girl (from wherever) and after a year or two he decides to marry her. This “strange” girl (now the wife) becomes the most important person in the young man’s life. She comes from nowhere and jumps to the front of the queue of relationships and importance in his life. When she does this she displaces his mother, his sisters and all other close relatives. Not only does she displace them, but she also has great influence over him. He does no longer make decisions independently but he always consults his wife which might be viewed as been controlled by his wife. In Africa, the wife might even be accused of having given him or made him eat “something”.

Now, the fact of the matter is that each family would like to see their children progress in life, they would love to see them get marriage and settle down, however, this growth or transition often poses a challenge and may even lead to conflict with the in-laws. The families are not necessarily opposed to the idea of the two getting married, but it is the apparent displacement that seems to create conflicts. It is the love tug of war. As a result the same people who were celebrating when the person was getting married turnaround to become the worst enemies. Of course there are cases where there are in-laws who are just unhappy with the choice of the spouse that their son/daughter has made, sometimes because they preferred someone else, an ex-girlfriend, some girl down the street, a song leader in their church, etc.

Secondly, many conflicts are as a result of unmet expectations. Now, when two people get married there are expectations that they have about marriage; it is these expectations that often create conflicts if they are not properly communicated before married and not met in marriage. Many have been disappointed and some opted to divorce when they realise that the marriage that they have is far from the one they expected.  In the same way, in-laws do have their own expectations, they might expect, for example, that their son-in-law would behave just like their other sons, call them “daddy” and “mommy” and always come around every month for a weekend visit, etc. On the other side, they might also be an expectation that they will get a super Makoti (daughter-in-law), one who will come and cook, clean and take care of them. In many cases these expectations are never fulfiled, in fact in some cases the direct opposite is what happens. And all this often leads to negative attitude and resentment.
Thirdly, what we need to realise is that marriage (and the in-laws relationship that results from it) has a way of unsettling the status quo in any family. Therefore we can’t just ignore it and assume that it will sort itself out; there is a need to intentionally address the challenges around the in-law issues. If this tug of war is not addressed, it will have a strain in the marriage that can make the marriage unliveable and can eventually lead to divorce. Communications is the key to addressing this challenge; unfortunately the only time that we communicate is when there is already a crisis. In all families, couples need to hold a special “in-laws indaba” to discuss issues related to the in-laws, issues like: how to relate with them, how often to visit them, how to call them (“daddy”, etc), how to assist them when they are in need, if and how to request assistance from them, etc.

Fourthly, conflicts are common in all kinds of relationships, we have conflicts at work, at church and in every other aspect of our lives, even among siblings and blood relatives there are often many conflicts. Therefore in-laws conflicts should not be viewed differently. It is unfortunate that conflicts that we have with regard to in-laws are often viewed in a way that suggests that marriage or marrying a particular person was a mistake. When these conflicts are viewed in this manner, divorce is often encouraged or seen as an option.

And lastly, love is the answer to in-laws conflict. It might be true that there are some mother/father-in-law from a very hot place (far from heaven), those that hate you and despise for no apparent reason. If that is true it should also be true that there are some son/daughter-in law from the same place, therefore, the solution to in-laws problems is not  in fighting back, as has been the reaction of many, unfortunately that has only served to make things worse. The solution is in giving them something that they don’t deserve, and that’s unconditional love. The Bible says love your enemies, therefore if you don’t like your in-laws just declare them enemies, and do what you have to do (according to the Bible), which is to love them. There is power in love; power to transform enemies to friends. Conduct yourself in a way that they will realise that instead of losing a son/daughter they have gained a loving daughter/son.

To be continued…

Don’t just marry anything (Tips from Living Power Marriage School)

Don’t just marry anything (I mean anybody)!

Many young people are so particular about the clothes they wear, the food they eat, the career that they want to follow, etc, but they are so reckless when it comes to choosing a life partner.

Who you will marry will not only have a major impact in your marriage but will have a major impact in your happiness in this life. There is nothing that can bring so much distress, depression and unhappiness in someone’s life like marriage.  Even if you decide to end the marriage (divorce) you might still end up with permanent wounds or scars in your life.

Marriage has many challenges; bringing together people from different backgrounds, different personalities and with different expectations is not easy. We are bound to have some conflicts and challenges in marriage. Even if you marry an angel (unfortunately angels don’t marry) you’ll still have some challenges, but if you marry the devil you must know that your physical address will be hell. There are many devils that are out there and some are in the church, they can preach, teach, sing and pray and then prey on innocent victims. As a results there are many who are living in hell (marriages). The Bible says to young people: Be sober, be vigilant!

Look beyond what is on the outside

There are some who decide to marry someone because he drives a nice car, yet I wonder if they think the marriage will be lived inside the car. Some marry guys because they are good soccer players, and I wonder if they think there is a need for pots and plates to be kicked around in the house. Some marry girls just because they have a pretty face, and I wonder if they think that just looking at the pretty face will automatically resolve conflicts and improve communications. Some only look at the beautiful figures not knowing that nature and time has a way of destroying those figures. In Proverbs 31:30, the wise man says: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.”

Work on your own project.

Even in our churches it seems like everybody is always looking forward to marrying the church’s celebrities, those who are smooth, well dressed and smart. Unfortunately many of them are not very serious with God. Yet in our churches they are some young people who are very serious with God, they might not be in the lime light, they might not even know how to dress properly, not as smooth as others. I call them projects. Instead of following the celebrities it is better to go and get your own project. For a person who is not serious with God there is not much you can do, even marriage cannot change that person. There is no salvation in marriage (it is only in Jesus). But if he /she loves the Lord, but just does not know latest style and romantic moves, there is much you can do. Pick that project and work on it in your own pace.

Don’t be desperate.

Many of our young ladies are so desperate to get married such that they end up marrying anything that looks like a man. If you think being single is bad then you are ignorant of what is really going on in marriages. More than 50% of those who are married wish they were like you (single). There is definitely something worse than being single. I always say to young ladies that the most miserable women that I have come across are not single, but they are married, married to horrible men (or they themselves are horrible to those men). Many are so desperate to get married and soon thereafter they are so desperate to get out of marriage.

Be Mr or Mrs Right.

I grew up in the time when the topic for every youth gathering was, how to find a marriage partner. We used to leave those gatherings all set to go and look for a marriage partner, going to look for Mr Right and Mrs Right. Now, this thing never worked, it does not work because you can never find a marriage partner. In Proverbs 19: 14 the Bible says “Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the LORD”. Only the Lord can give you a prudent (sensible) wife. Therefore instead of looking for Mr and Mrs Right, be Mr. Right, Be Mrs. Right (as long as you don’t think your first name is Always). Live the life, be the best young person you can ever be and God will give you what you deserve. But if you are a crook, dishonest, unfaithful and unreliable, guess what? There is a match waiting for you.  You can’t cheat God; you are definitely going to reap what you have sown.  You will always get what you deserve.

Some young people have already made a mess of their lives. The good news is that it is not too late. If you come to Jesus today, He will rewrite you past, change you present and prepare a great tomorrow for you.

MJM Ravhengani has now been trained and certified to use Life Innovation’s “Prepare and Enrich” web based tool for Premarital and Marriage counselling.

For more information visit:

www.livingpower.org.za , www.facebook.com/livingpower

Emotional Strange Fire (affair) Part 2

A few weeks ago we submitted the first instalment on this topic (you can find it on our face book page www.facebook.com/livingpower) this week we have the second and final instalment.

Just to recap, we said that emotional affair is the kind of intimacy developed with someone other than the spouse. This intimacy is hidden from the spouse. The person involved may confide the inner feelings and secrets to the other person, not his or her spouse. Generally emotional affairs do not involve physical sexual relations. But emotional affairs are often gateways leading to full blown sexual infidelity. The most hurtful and painful consequences of an emotional affair (to the cheated partner) is the sense of being deceived, betrayed, and lied to.

Regardless of the rationalization behind it, emotional infidelity is an expression of either the need or the desire to absent oneself (at least emotional) from the marriage relationship without actually leaving the marriage. The fact of the matter is when you absent yourself from your primary relationship you are taking something away from that relationship in a way that interferes with it. Someone put this way “when you are involved in an emotional affair you’re stealing from yourself”.

The danger of emotional affair is that it creates the illusion that perfect love exists and it is very close (in your friend, colleague or fellow church member) and that the only obstacle to real happiness is your current marriage.

What perpetuate emotional affairs are our thoughts, when we fantasize about inappropriate thoughts, rehearsing what we think about the conversation we had (or would have) with a particular person, wondering if the person will take a special note of us, etc, we weaken our resistance before any encounter takes place. Inappropriate thoughts are bound to come creeping into our brains occasionally, but we can choose not to entertain them. We don’t have to rehearse them like an actor. We can immediately dismiss impure thoughts and we can refuse to commit emotional infidelity. When we have thoughts that are inappropriate, we need to take them captive (2 Cor 10:5) the Bible tells us: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”

How to avoid emotional affairs

The emotional affairs can only be avoided or resolved by addressing the root cause, removing the clogs that are in the marriage relationship (particularly around communications).

Here are some suggestions:

• Plan on living a balanced life with one another.
• Have dates with each other and create ways to have fun together.
• Don’t let irritations build up, resolve conflicts as they happen
• Communicate on a daily basis with each other. Talk about practical issues, plans, events, and personal feelings, the little things to talk about are as important as the bigger issues.
• Be supportive of one another.
• Show respect for each other

Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

1. Keep It all business at the office – don’t mix family/personal issues with business conversations.
2. Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside of the workplace – where possible always have meetings in the office, if you meet outside the office let it be in the public area.
3. Meet in Groups – People hold back from intimacy when they are in a group
4. Find polite ways of ending personal conversations – Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort and avoid sexual oriented jokes.
5. Don’t share your personal feelings – When you do find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite sex, share little of your personal experience or feelings.
6. Be honest with yourself – If you think your flirtation is so innocent? Test yourself: Would you tell your spouse? Ask yourself if your spouse would be comfortable if he/she knew all about your relationship.
7. Show your commitment to your spouse daily – Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day. This could be a lovely note, a phone call, a text message, a little gift, words of affirmation, etc.

How to get out of an emotional affair?

Many have confessed of the difficulties of trying to get out of an emotional affair. Some have experience deep depression as a result of ending an emotional affair. Some have tried for few days or weeks only to fall back into the same temptation again.  The fact of the matter is that it is not easy to end an emotional affair. It is very difficult or almost impossible to end and emotional affair if there is no revival or resurrection of the primary relationship (marriage).  In fact the inverse is also true; the primary relationship (marriage) will never be revived (or grow) as long as the emotional affair exists.

Having said that, it is important to know that the emotional affair (enjoyable as it might be) is dangerous, destructive and deadly, therefore it needs to be brought to an end as soon as one finds out that he/she might be caught up in it.

Some suggestions:

• Firstly you need to have victory in your thoughts; if you can conquer the battle in your heart /mind, if you can remove the person in your thoughts, then you are on your way to victory.
• If possible communicate with the person that you think you might be involved with and tell them that you think your relationship has crossed the like of friendship, and therefore you would like to bring it to an end. If the other party agrees then that’s a good start, not necessarily the end.
• If the other personal does not seem to be interested in bring the relationship to an end, then you need to do a “Joseph” – Run for your life!
  • Burn bridges – delete the phone numbers / remove email address / cut them out of friends list in social networking site like face book.
  • Avoid, ignore, disregard the person
  • Request to be reassigned to another office department /find a new job/ find a new church congregation / etc
  • Caution: all of the above needs to be done gently to avoid (emotional) blackmail by your (former) emotional partner (what Potiphar’s wife did to Joseph)
• Talk to your spiritual mentor about your struggles.
• Pray, fast, commit your heart and life to the Lord.
• Each day make a conscious decision to uphold your marriage and to invest all your energies, emotions and resources to its success.

Emotional Strange Fire (affair) Part 1

Sometime last year we spoke about flirting and affairs in marriage. In that presentation we noted that they are four types of marital affairs, namely: object affairs, sexual affair, emotional affair and the secondary relationship. This week we are going to focus on the emotional strange fire or emotional affair.

What is an emotional affair?

It is the kind of intimacy developed with someone of the opposite sex other than the spouse. Though it does not involve sexual relations, this relationship or at least the depth of it, is always hidden from the spouse. It often starts as a friendship and develops over time into a strong bond between the two people involved.

Unlike a sexual affair one does not wake up one day and decides that I am going to have an emotional affair. One is more likely to gradually enter into the arena of emotional affair. Many people are surprised to discover how far they have gone and how deep they have fallen into this problem. An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage, but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship. It is also a fact that the notion of emotional affair can also apply to same sex friendship, siblings, parents or even kids.

How does it develop?

The emotional affair develops as the two people (friends) begin to share intimate details of their life with each other.

• You may be going through some challenges in marriage and there is a communication breakdown between you and your spouse
• Then you find a friend or a colleague who seem to be caring and understanding
• That person makes you feel special and that makes you feel good.
• Then you begin to open up more and more towards this person, and you like the feeling you have when you are with him/her.
• As time goes on you starts to crave the emotional intimacy you receive from that person.

“Just friends”

Many of those who are involved in emotional affair always say we are just friends, but there is a difference between “just friends” and those involved in emotional affairs. Emotional affair happens when you have crossed the line of friendship and have entered the intimate grounds of intimacy reserved for your spouse.

Emotional affair is when:

• “You begin to have feelings of attraction for your friend. You wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch your friend.
• When you begin to share intimate or hurtful details of your relationship with one particular friend of the opposite sex.
• You spend more energy longing for your friend than you do your spouse. When you’re with your spouse, you look forward to when you can get back to spending time with your friend.
• You tend to hide information on your friendship from your partner. You Email, SMS or call each other in secret, and when asked how you two spent your time you have a tendency to lie.
• When something about your friendship bothers your partner, and when he or she asks you about it you get uncomfortable or defensive.
• You dream and fantasize about your friend, not your spouse”

Why Emotional Affair?

Human being are emotional beings, we always have a constant flow of emotional. Marriage creates the conduit through which we can share these emotions with each other, which in turn, develops and strengthens intimacy between the husband and wife.  However, many marriages face a number of challenges which might range from small misunderstandings to huge conflicts. Sometimes it is not even misunderstandings, but it just lack of excitement or spark in marriage that leads to unhappiness. Now, if marriage is a conduit for sharing emotions, then all of these challenges have a way of clogging the conduit so that the flow of emotion is difficult or impossible. This in turn leads to a build up of emotional pressure since the emotions of one side can’t flow to the other side. Now, the temptation is to start releasing those emotions to someone close by, a friend, a co-worker, etc. which may lead to an emotional affair. Emotional affair becomes an outlet that temporarily relieves the emotional pressure whilst at the same time poisoning and destroying the marriage relationship.

Why should we be concerned about emotional affairs?

• Although those who are involved in emotional affairs are often without much guilt because there is no sex involved, their spouses often view an emotional affair as damaging as a sexual affair. In some cases it is even worse than a sexual affair because it is not just physical (one night stand) but it involves the heart.
• Much of the pain and hurt from an emotional affair is due to the deception, lies, and feelings of being betrayed.
• The emotional affair steals intimacy from marriage and leaves the marriage dry and bankrupt. As your emotional needs are met somewhere there is no need to invest too much time and effort in resolving the challenges in marriage, after all your fulfilment is found somewhere else.
• Another dimension is that in an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other party and may experience increasing sexual tension. In fact, we are told almost 50% of those involved in emotional affair will develop into a full-blown affair which includes sexual relations.

To be continued…

Before you know it, you are sharing the deepest intimate details of your marriage. What’s the harm in this? The harm comes in the separation that has now occurred between you and your spouse. You have crossed a marital boundary. God has commanded us to be faithful to our spouses. Emotional affair is adultery

Regardless of the rationalization behind it, emotional affair is an expression of either the need or the desire to absent oneself from one’s primary relationship, without actually leaving that relationship. Therein lies the core of the issue, and it is what defines emotional affair as if not exactly the same at least the social equivalent of sexual affair.

Whether you are physical engaged with another person or not, when you absent yourself from your primary relationship you are taking your attention away from that relationship in a way that interferes with it. It comes back to emotional availability. A great cinematic depiction of this is an interchange between Hilary Swank’s character and that of her husband in Freedom Writers. He’s not getting his needs met because she’s focused on her students, so he ends up leaving.

What really complicates matters is that for the “cheating” partner, there is no real sense that s/he has transgressed because s/he isn’t “doing anything” that can be demonstrated as “cheating”, i.e. sex. Non-interpersonal “cheating” behavior is rationalized away as a necessity – long hours, relaxation, working out, etc. In the case of interpersonal emotional affair, the same sensibility holds true.

‘Tit for tat’ is an English saying meaning “equivalent retaliation”. It is paying back one wrong or injury with another. It is repayment in kind (not in kindness) for an injury endured. It is as described in the Old Testament “… life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.”  Exodus 21:23-25. Another verse that is not found in the Bible that people use is “do unto others as they have done to you.” Somehow this ‘tit for tat’ seems to make sense and it might even sound fair especially because it is supported by Newton’s Third Law that states “for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.”

Many of our relationships have been defined by this principle of ‘tit for tat’, and the marriage union is no exception, in fact, it is an underlying principle in many marriages. Our conduct and action in marriages is largely defined by how we perceive the conduct of our spouses to be.  Our treatment of each other is not defined by the Bible, the marriage vow or any other noble principle, but it is define by how we have been treated by our spouses in the past. If I think my spouse loves me and has been treating me well, then I am prompted to do the same. However, if I think my spouse has not been kind, loving and caring, I will also decide to be unkind, unloving and uncaring. If he/she is rude I will also become rude, if he/she cheats on me I will also be tempted to do the same. This eventually becomes a vicious cycle. Like children playing on a seesaw the momentum of continual hurt and pain is maintained by the actions of each person. But unlike the children’s seesaw which is fun and entertaining, there is nothing exciting about this marriage ‘tit for tat’ seesaw.

It is unfortunate that many couples have been playing in this seesaw for a long time and it has become a way of life, but what many don’t realize is that this game is the race to destruction. If one has to feel good about the revenge act (the ‘tit’), it must be a little bit more intense (more mean) than the first act (the ‘tat’) that has been done to you. The response to that will also be a little bit more, and it goes on and on until we reach rock bottom where there is nothing desirable in that marriage.

How then do we deal with the hurt that we get in marriage?  In Matthew 5: 38-39 Jesus says “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.” Here Jesus is redefining how we are to relate to one another, instead of revenge and retaliation, Jesus is teaching us to be kind to those who are unkind to us. The fact that we are not to retaliate does not mean there will be no punishment for those who hurt us, they will be, God will take care of that, for He says “… vengeance is mine, I will repay…” Heb 10:30. Since ‘tat’ needs ‘tit’ to go on, the way to bring the ‘tit for tat’ to an end is to stop your ‘tit’. The other person might continue with the ‘tat’ and other ‘tat’,  and yet another ‘tat’, but without the ‘tit’ the ‘tat’ will soon be a boring monotonous action that will soon come to an end. In the seesaw game if one decides not to continue jumping the other will remain suspended in the air and the game will come to an end. Therefore our response to the hurt, pain and humiliation that we suffer even from people who claim to love us should be in kindness not just in kind; it must be to do good to them in return for their evil. For every ‘tat’ our response must be a good treatment, a ‘treat for tat’. The good that we do also starts another cycle of good that is exciting and enjoyable like the children’s seesaw.

What every marriage needs is:

• One person with enough sense to stop the ‘tit for tat’ seesaw,
• Someone with the maturity to refuse to ‘tit’.
• Someone who cares more about the other person and the relationship than he/she cares about his/her own feelings.
• Someone who dares to be the saviour for the marriage.
• Someone who believes Jesus instruction and acts on it.

For the want of that someone many marriages are perishing.

Instead of spending all the time complaining about the uncaring, unromantic, unsympathetic, unloving, unkind and impatient spouse, why don’t you become everything that you want in your spouse… be generous, be patient, be caring, etc.

Someone once said “an eye for an eye makes the world blind”. ‘Tit for tat’ makes you blind to each other’s needs and eventually destroys the marriage and the family.

New Day resolutions

The beginning of a New Year gives us a good opportunity to reflect on the past year and to make plans and adjustments for the coming year. A New Year resolution has been defined as “a commitment that an individual makes to a personal goal, project, or the reforming of a habit”.  The success rate of New Year resolutions has been very limited, some of the resolution only last just a few days while other last only a few weeks, we are told less than 10% of the resolution goals are achieved.

Having said that I still believe it is important that we get an opportunity to take stock of our lives and to see what changes or improvements we can make. The challenge with New Year resolutions is that they come once every 365 days. This means that having failed to keep up with the New Year resolutions in the first few days of January one has to wait for 12 months to make new resolutions. I would therefore like to suggest that what we need is New Day resolutions. As they say that “the journey of the thousand miles begins with a single step”, they journey to our ultimate goal beginnings with one day. The step that I take today sets a basis for my next step, how I live today determines how my life will be tomorrow.  Therefore New Year resolutions can only be successful if they are supported by faithful New Day resolutions.

The Bible makes much reference to the idea of a day, “a day of salvation”, 2 Cor 6:2 “a day of judgment” 2 Pet 3:7 , “a day called today” Heb 4:7. Even though a year might be important I believe a day is even more important. Today we are making history, today we are creating a legacy, today we are writing a part of our own obituary.  Therefore:·       Today you can resolve to surrender your life to Jesus, thereby creating an eternal legacy and heritage for yourself.·       Today you can resolve to break your illicit relationship, thereby saving and preserving your family from the cancer of infidelity. ·       Today you can resolve to be kind and gentle to your children, thereby building confidence in them that will sustain them into adulthood.·       Today you can resolve to say, with a smile and loving eyes, “I love you” to your spouse, thereby giving him/her a gift that will sustain him/her throughout the day.·       Today you can resolve to forgive your brother, sister, mother, father or friend who has hurt you so bad, thereby freeing yourself and them from the bondage of un-forgiveness.·       Today you can resolve to stop reckless spending, stop gossiping, stop unfaithfulness, thereby saving your soul from danger.·       Today you can resolve to do some good deed, smile to a stranger, help some needy fellow, thereby making the world a better place. ·       Today you can resolve to be happy with who you are and what you have, thereby feeling your heart with contentment.  ·       Today you can resolve to be diligent, thorough and reliable in your professional conduct, thereby making a positive impact in your organisation and society in general. The Song writer puts it well “One day at a time sweet Jesus that’s all I’m asking from you. Just give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do…”   www.livingpower.org.za

Practicing what you profess – in marriage

More than 70% our population profess to be Christians. It is unfortunate that what we profess at the church does not impact on how we related to each other in our homes. We live and run our marriages just like unbelievers do, in fact there are very few marriages that are conducted based on Christian principles.

• We love our spouses in the same way that non-believers love their spouses, with the love that is conditional, seasonal and depends on feelings and circumstances.
• When we are faced with problems in marriage, in spite of our profession, we address our problems the same way as non-believers do: we fight, abuse, humiliate and threaten each other.
• We get married, stay married and end marriages for the same reasons as non-believers.

As a results it no surprise that Christians have the same rate of divorce as non-believers, this is a serious indictment on Christianity.

Even though it is important to know how to communicate in marriage, how to resolve conflict, how to improve intimacy, etc, it is even more important to practice what we profess. I believe that the key to successful marriage is found in us being true Christians, if we can live, talk, walk and act like Jesus, if we can practice the basic principles of Christianity, our marriages will be full of joy and happiness.

For example:

• In John 15: 12 The Bible says “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” And in Luke 6:27 again the Bible say “But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,” Now, if I am a Christian, how can I be abusive to my spouse, can abuse be viewed as an expression of love? Even if he/she treats me so bad that he/she appears to be like an enemy, I am still suppose to love him/her and not only love but also do good to him/her.
• In Exodus 20:14 the Bible says “You shall not commit” Many Christian families are hurting as a result of the sin of adultery, and many families have been buried in the marriage cemetery as a result of this sin. Please note that this has nothing to do with being faithful to your spouse it is all about being faithful to God. If only we practice what the Bible teaches many marriages will be spared the hurt and the pain.
• In Ephesians 4:26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath” The Bible is the best conflict resolution manual, if only we can just follow these principles our marital conflicts will not be as hurtful, destructive and painful as they sometimes are, and will not take as long as they do.
• Etc

It is important to know that practising what you profess requires one to go against the flow, to swim upstream, to do the unpopular, and to go against prevailing culture even within the church. It is a fact that obeying God’s words sometimes does not seem to make sense, at times it makes you look like a fool, and indeed many people will think and believe that you are a fool or there is something wrong with you. How can you continue to forgive one who continues to hurt you (and doing so deliberately)? How can you continue to love one who does not seem to love you anymore? It is all about practising what we profess, “I can do all things (love, forgive, be kind etc) through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13

2010 has been an eventful year for many, we have come this far by God’s grace and mercy, but as we look back some of us can see many instances where we failed to practice what we profess especially in our homes, therefore my prayer is that God may grant us the grace, in this holiday season and in the new year, to live, act, talk, walk not according to the counsels of men, but according to the will and word of God.

Many, many blessing to you all!